Saturday, June 9, 2012

A Kayleigh Moment

Friday was a long day. It wasn't a bad day, just long. The kids went to friends' houses to spend the night instead of coming here  Jeff was at work all day, then came home for about 30 minutes before heading out for a balloon flight. So, it was Kayleigh and me, all day. I was already pretty tired and hormonal on top of that before we ever got to bedtime!!  So, once I FINALLY got to bed about midnight, I was ready for sleep. Didn't happen. Kayleigh started crying at 12:30.  I went up to her room and rocked her to sleep, lay her in the bed, she woke up and cried. I rocked her, lay her down, she cried. Rocked her, lay her down, she stared back at me as I sat by the crib. I sat there wondering, "What was I thinking when I started a second adoption? I am barely managing this one right now. How am I going to manage a second one if she doesn't sleep either?"  Then I rocked Kayleigh some more, lay her down, she stared. Somewhere in there I gave her a dose of Melatonin.  At 1:30 a.m., I gave up. If it had been 4:30, 5:00, 5:30, I would have just put her in the bed with Jeff and me, but it's just 1:30. So, what am I going to do? I decided Kayleigh and I would get in Marissa's bed since she was not at home. I scooped Kayleigh up out of bed, stomped downstairs to get my pillow and stomped back upstairs to Marissa's bed. By the time I got us both settled in the bed, I was tired, frustrated, working on a little bit of anger and I had added guilt in there for being a bad momma and not having more compassion for my child, who, for whatever reason, cannot go to sleep. I turned over on my side with my back to Kayleigh because the tears were coming.  I lay there and cried and let the frustration, anger, and guilt wash away.  And while I'm lying there crying, my 2 year old Chinese blessing scooted a little closer to me and started patting me on the shoulder....

So, how does the story end? I rolled over, scooped her up in my arms and cuddled her next to me, cried a little more, and she eventually fell asleep.  Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep, too. When we woke up this morning, we started a new day, and this momma can only hope that tonight is a better night.

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